Real Real Talk

I've been on birth control for two years now. My doctor didn't tell me about any of the side effects; I found them out later. At first I was pleased with the fact that my migraines seemed to go away, but after a year or so they came back with a vengeance and have been getting worse ever since. I brought this up to the attending physician, but she thought it was an excuse to get pain killers, which she couldn't prescribe anyway. She just told me to take more over the counter stuff, but they don't work on me and I'm already taking the maximum recommended amount.
We moved shortly after I started taking the pill, so I thought my initial weight gain was due to the shorter walk to a bus stop and a few pounds from the holidays, but this wasn't so. After finally consulting the internet, it turns out that the pill was responsible for adding fifteen pounds - per year. I talked to the attending physician about this too, but she said it's still my own fault for not controlling myself. She recommended cutting out carbs like white bread and pasta (which I can scale back but not give up entirely). The hormones increase your appetite, apparently, but I think there are other mitigating factors at work here. The other side effects are increased greasiness and mood swings, but I haven't noticed any drastic changes there.
My husband eats twice as much as I do, and I have been trying to keep up. I had to force myself to finish a whole sandwich from Nardelli's or the whole plate at the Omelet Factory. Big Macs and Whoppers are not for me if only for size alone. While I still don't eat as much as him, I do eat more than I used to before I met him. We both gained weight over the holidays this past year. That aside, however, I don't think I've lost control over myself or let myself go. No, I'm just enjoying food more than I used to.
I'd been underweight during adolescence due to divorce impoverishing my family and my own sense of guilt over being a costly child. I'd since maintained a healthier weight, but the birth control has brought me from one side of the healthy spectrum to the other, and I don't want to be anything beyond that. Unfortunately, the birth control induced weight gain will not level off, so I'm going to stop taking it and restrict myself to levels I used to eat previously, again due to guilt. I'm not happy with this premise, and I would rather they just give me a version of birth control that doesn't do this, but I won't hold my breath. Miserable at this prospect, I coincidentally caught a bad cold that's been going around and have pretty much lost my appetite completely. Sticking to soft foods and hot liquids (and plenty of lozenges), I've only eaten one or two things a day and napped for most of it. I don't expect to lose much weight this way, but it's a start.
It's not that I'm afraid to be labeled as fat. If I'm going to be fat, I'm going to do it without the help of pharmaceuticals. I'm more concerned with how I feel rather than how I look. I get hot at night when I put my thighs together. It's the same as having long hair; after a while, it becomes unmanageable. On top of that, I feel like it's too soon to be morphing into my mother's body, especially since I haven't had any kids yet. At least they wouldn't be responsible for ruining my body - the pill already did that.
After I get rid of my cold, it will be hard to eat less again. Other people get to eat more than me and seem to enjoy it, and I started to enjoy it too. What's fun about less food? I already eat quickly because of how much time we were given in school (not a lot if you wanted to be able to socialize, especially with the long cafeteria lines). It's over too soon, and I like the taste of my favorite meals. It's especially trying with shared meals like pizza where it's every man for himself, even with leftovers. Exercise hasn't helped, so it's not as easy as joining a gym. My job keeps me pretty active, and during one vacation I took a six mile hike that seemed to have no impact other than making me tired.
So wish me luck. I don't have anyone I feel I can comfortably burden or confide in, so I'm left with screaming into the abyss.