Edward Elric, the FullMetal Alchemist, sat in Colonel Roy Mustang’s office, waiting for him to finish his paperwork and take notice of him. It had been nearly ten minutes since he had been summoned there, and surprisingly the Colonel hadn’t even made eye contact with him yet. Lieutenant-Colonel Hawkeye must have become stricter with him about getting his work done and handed in on time. Finally, Mustang signed one last paper and put it down in front of himself. Clearly this one was regarding Ed’s visit that day, as Roy let out an exasperated sigh and looked across the room at Ed with a look on his face to match.“This is the third week in a row that I’ve received complaints about your behavior, FullMetal,” he said in his I-can’t-believe-I’m-being-bothered-with-something-like-this tone of voice.
“Oh yeah? And just what sort of behavior is that?” Ed asked, though he had a sneaking suspicion he knew what he meant.
“You can’t go around beating up every single person who makes a comment about your height...or lack thereof.”
“What’d you say?” Nothing got Ed’s goat more than someone making a comment, innocent or not, about his shorter-than-average stature. “Well...I don’t beat up children...”
“Look, like it or not, you represent the military to a certain degree. We have a reputation of professionalism to uphold, and that includes trying to maintain an even temper, even when provoked. To that end, I have approved this recommendation that you join an anger management support group.”
“You’ve gotta be kidding me,” Ed griped as Roy handed him the piece of paper. “I don’t need counseling.”
“The agreement only requires that you attend one meeting, and then after that it’s all up to you.”
“Fine,” Ed grumbled, getting up to leave. “How bad could it be?”
***At the Support Group***
“Good afternoon, fellows. Welcome to Anger Management for the Vertically Challenged,” Fai Flowright greeted cheerily. “I’m Fai Flowright, and I’ll be your counselor.”
I had to ask, Ed thought, regretting not trying harder to get out of it. He took a look around the room at the other counselees; two of them sat in chairs next to him while another guy was in the back of the room taking a nap on a couch.
The boy with dark spiky hair, blond bangs, and a dog collar raised his hand to speak first. “Um, hi,” he said awkwardly. “I’m not quite sure what I’m doing here...”
“Me either,” the boy with blue hair chimed in. His bangs covered the right half his face, and he wore a black coat that covered most of his body.
“Let’s see,” Fai said, looking over his notes. “This is a support group for people between the ages of fourteen and eighteen who have insecurities about - but not limited to - their height. According to these written records and video footage I have received, you all fit the bill.” Fai continued, despite their embarrassment, “You were all brought here for a reason.”
I guess those two were tricked into coming here, Ed thought. Poor bastards.
“Let’s begin with the young man who didn’t speak up in denial,” Fai suggested, catching Ed off-guard.
“You mean me?” Ed asked, hoping there was the slightest chance that he meant the sleeping guy. However, Fai was clearly looking at him and not off in the distance.
“Yes, you. Please state your name, age, and reason for being here today.”
Let’s just get this over with, Ed thought. “I’m Edward Elric. I’m fifteen years old, and I was mandated by my superior officers to attend this meeting because of my history of beating up people who comment about my height.”
Ed had thought that was sufficient, but Fai was not done asking him questions. “What in particular about that makes you so angry?”
“Well, I have a brother who’s a year younger than me, but people who don’t know us that well or are meeting us in person for the first time think I’m the younger brother.”
“Does your brother outrank you?”
“No! I’m the only one of us who’s a State Alchemist. He’s just taller, and lately our abilities are pretty much evenly matched, so the only thing I have left is my authority as an older brother. And if everyone thinks I’m the younger brother, then that all but goes away.”
“I see. So do you blame your brother?”
“Of course not. Al’s the only family I’ve got. It’s everyone else that pisses me off.”
“Very well. Here’s a video montage of your greatest hits, if you’ll excuse the pun.” Fai put a video disc into the room’s computer which was hooked up to an audio-visual setup. The video was projected onto a big screen in the front of the room.
Clip 1 - Ed’s short rants
“Don’t call me small! I’ll rip off your feet and stick ‘em on your heads!” “I’m still growing, you backwater desert idiots!” “Can a shorty do this?!” “Who are you calling a pipsqueak midget?!”
The room was silent for a few moments after the video ended. “No comment,” Ed muttered, slightly embarrassed that these people had to see that. Mercifully, though, they didn’t say a word about anything they might have been thinking.
“The first step is admitting you have a problem,” Fai stated. “Now how about you next?” he asked, indicating the boy with the dog collar.
Nervously, the boy cleared his throat. “My name’s Yugi Mutou, and I’m sixteen years old. I can’t really think of any angry outbursts I might have had about my height, though.”
“Maybe this will jog your memory,” Fai said, putting in Yugi’s video disc.
Clip 2 - Yugi’s trantrum
Joey: There’s two Yugis: the big up there and the puny one down here.
Yugi: *face fault* That’s not how it works at all!
Joey: Just a joke, man.
Yugi: You’ve forgotten that here I’m the Dark Magician.
Joey: Uh, Yug...
Yugi: I’ll show you who’s puny around here...
Atem: Yugi, wait!
Yugi: Dark Magic Attack! No! Another Morphing Jar!
Yugi buried his face in his hands. “Just because of that one time? That’s why I’m here?”
Fai once again looked at his records. “I’ve also got a signed statement here from your friends that you have been mistaken for a grade-school student by park attendants and waitresses and that bullies twice your size pick fights with you. Is that true?”
“Yeah, that sounds about right,” Yugi sighed defeatedly.
“That’s pretty bad,” the boy in the black coat commented.
“Come on, you’ve got to give as much as you get,” Ed encouraged.
“Oh, my other self takes care of that for me,” Yugi murmured.
“Other self?”
“Yeah, sometimes he gets so mad that he almost kills people and I have to stop him. I’d rather not talk about it right now.”
“See me afterward and I’ll tell you about another support group you can join for that,” Fai suggested, making a note of it. “Now let’s hear from you,” he said to the boy in black.
In a bored-sounding gravelly voice, the third boy said, “I’m called Zexion, and I guess I’m maybe seventeen years old. Since the youngest member of my organization left, and he wasn’t around for that long to begin with, I’m both younger and shorter than all the others. I’m not sure what that has to do with anything, but my complaint is that I’m the only one who doesn’t have a weapon or a real element.”
“Okay. Then how would you explain this situation?”
Clip 3 - The Trial (aka Served)
Saix: *condescendingly* Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Zexion: I’m not five, you ass.
Saix: Such bad language.
Zexion: I do!
Larxene: *giggling* Do you need a book or something to sit on?
***Legal proceedings edited out of video***
Luxord: *drunkenly* Isn’t it true that you’re so bloody short that you need to sit on that phone book to peek above the bench? *starts getting strangled by Zexion* Your Honor, this man is unstable!
Zexion: I’m gonna kill you, I swear to God!
Zexion sat there sullenly, mumbling to himself. “I’ll show him unstable...”
“You do seem rather disgruntled. Would you like to discuss anything else?”
“No.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
“Are you an emo?”
“I have no heart.”
“...Okay. Guess that answers that,” Fai concluded off-handedly, scribbling down more notes.
“What about that guy in the back? Is he a kid or something?” Ed asked, pointing behind them to where the young-looking blond boy was still sleeping.
“Oh, he’s no kid. Mitsukuni Haninozuka is seventeen years old,” Fai explained to their surprise. He then dropped his voice down to a whisper, “But it’d be best not to wake him up.”
“Why? Isn’t he here for the session too?” Zexion asked.
“Hunny-Bunny doesn’t really have issues with his height anymore. He’s embraced his identity as a loli-shouta. He’s quite happy, really.”
“Then why is he here?” Yugi asked.
“There is one thing that sets him off. If someone wakes him up or gets on his bad side...well, you can see for yourselves.” Fai showed them Honey’s video compilation of him beating people within an inch of their lives for waking him up or attacking his friends. By the time the video ended, Ed and the other two were cringing in their seats and stealing nervous glances behind them to make sure Honey hadn’t woken up.
With the video portion of the session over, Fai retracted the screen and wrote a phrase on the blackboard. “This quotation I’ve just written on the board comes from a very wise and talented man, and I’m sure Honey would agree with it.” Fai stepped to the side of the board so the three of them could read it. “‘I’m not short, I’m fun-size.’ I want you all to repeat it for me.”
“No,” Yugi flatly refused.
“You’ve gotta be kidding,” Ed complained.
“Saying that phrase could be dangerous in certain contexts,” Zexion pointed out.
“What happens in therapy stays in therapy. Now on the count of three, I want you all to say it, okay? One, two, three...”
“‘I’m not short, I’m fun-size,’” the three uttered humorlessly.
I hope he doesn’t tag us with nicknames like that Honey kid, Ed thought. He desperately wished the session would end so he could leave; his only solace was that he could tell that Yugi and Zexion felt the same way.
“All right. Not very enthusiastic, but it’s a start. Before we adjourn, I want you to say something positive that you have taken away from this meeting - specifically, what you have learned from each other. Let’s start with you, Yugi.”
“Well I don’t like to lash out at people, but it takes courage to stand up to them,” Yugi responded, thinking of Ed and Honey’s combat footage.
Zexion’s turn was next. “I can relate to the whole superior thing and having your own power overlooked or diminished because of your height and age,” he said, mostly referring to Ed.
“You seem like you’ve been through hell. People like us have to be tough and not let it eat away at us,” Ed replied. Zexion nodded, neither of them giving away anything more about their personal experiences.
Just then, they all heard a muffled groan. They looked behind them and saw Honey stirring from his sleep on the couch. “Should we get going now?” Yugi asked nervously as the three of them stood up and started to back away slowly.
“It would be wise,” Fai admitted. Ed and Zexion bolted out the door as quickly as possible, with Yugi right behind them after he took the information about his other support group from Fai.
“What’s going on?” Honey asked sleepily as he approached Fai. “Is Takashi back from kendo practice yet?”
If Fai was worried, he didn’t show it. “The meeting just ended. You were a very good example for the others.”
***
Out in the hall, Al sat on a bench waiting for Ed. A man in a long black hooded coat also waited, standing against the wall opposite him and the door. Al wondered if he should make conversation, but the man was silent. Suddenly the door flew open and both Ed and Zexion dashed out of it. “Come on, Lexaeus, let’s go!” Zexion said urgently, and the two of them disappeared in what looked like a cloud of black smoke. Then Yugi darted out the door and took a right turn down the hall.
“What was all that about?” Al asked as Ed stood next to him and tried to compose himself.
“Never mind that, Al. Let’s just get going,” Ed replied, not sure how to explain.
Al stood up and the two of them started walking in the opposite direction of where Yugi had gone. With their backs turned, they didn’t notice Takashi approach the room from that direction and enter it.
“So how did the meeting go? Was it really that bad?” Al inquired.
“I can tell you this much - even though we shared some things in common, I think I was probably the most normal person there.”
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